Ever been in a marker fight? Ever ruined clothes in a marker fight? Ever ruined a leather sofa in a marker fight?
If so, then congratulations: you are a beautiful human being. You have looked into the eye of pure, dark Madness, and you tried to poke it with a Sharpie. Sure, there was that frantic moment when you realized you’d just marked all over a thousand dollar piece of furniture, when all other concerns in this world fell promptly from your head and you went in feverish search of some Windex or something… but then you noticed that this one mark was the latest of about half a dozen, so you gave up and had some nachos instead.
But what is it that makes marker fighting such a noble sport? What sets this above it baser, lowbrow cousins like arm wrestling or paintballing?
THE DANGER IS REAL
A marker doesn’t hurt—or at least, not until you really get going—but it leaves a mark, and sometimes a horribly disfigured face, hand, arm, or shirt sleeve will do more damage than a sore nipple ever could. If you use the right kind of marker, you can all but guarantee your opponent will be a walking testament to your victory for days to come. A real-life human trophy for your collection!
It’s different than paintball, too, for two reasons: one, paintball “paint” isn’t meant to stain like a good felt-tip marker will (unless someone injects permanent ink into those casings, which, let’s face it, would just be unsporting); and two…
YOU'RE NOT DRESSED FOR IT
When you go paintballing, you go paintballing. Even if your carefully arranged ensemble amounts to no more than a sweatshirt and some awesome camo pants you snagged at the Army Surplus store (awesome), odds are good that you’re not wearing your favorite khakis on the paintball field.
A marker fight, though, can break out anywhere, anytime. In fact, boredom of the kind that breeds in warm, quiet office environments is the biggest cause of spontaneous marker fights. And the same environment that created the boredom is the one where you’re least likely to be wearing those awesome camo pants.
When a marker fight erupts, the best you can do is roll up your sleeves. It won’t help. And you probably won’t even have the time to do that much, because…
THE WEAPONS ARE DISCREET
Walk around your office with a loaded paintball gun and you’re probably going to draw some attention. Walk around with a breast pocket full of writing implements and you’re a go-getter. But you’re also a marker ninja, hidden in plain sight, ready to strike at any time without warning.
A marker ninja is undeterred by crowded water coolers, busy hallways, or conference rooms full of witnesses. A simple flick of the wrist, a well-targeted stretch, an unassuming lean-in… any of these everyday gestures can mean instant marker death to the unwary victim.
And a cold war marker fight can escalate very quickly in a boredom-infested workplace. Two marker ninjas may be engaged in a heated battle in your own office right now, and the only evidence will be a few wayward lines of ink on a hand or forearm. That is until…
THINGS CAN GET OUT OF HAND QUICKLY
The truly epic marker fights—the ones you remember as a veteran—aren’t conducted in subtle secrecy. They start that way, but often they end up with two or three combatants engaged in an outright marker melee. Shirts are stained and probably torn, hands are bleeding from overeager swipes or lunges, breathing is ragged and… grunty.
But that’s exactly what we want out of every marker fight. We want action. Let’s face it: in this world the average office grunt doesn’t see a lot of open combat. Even if you do something rash, like go to a football game in the visiting team’s colors, or walk into an English pub without at least a passing familiarity with the rules of cricket, you’re still more likely to wind up getting your ass kicked or thrown in jail than you are finding a worthy opponent who, like you, really just wanted to mix it up for a few minutes with some relatively harmless (and childish) violence.
So the next time you find yourself staring blankly at a computer screen looking at pictures of cats, get up, grab a highlighter, and go find yourself a victim. Just be sure to roll up your sleeves first.
 |
| I am Jack's complete lack of furniture. |
If so, then congratulations: you are a beautiful human being. You have looked into the eye of pure, dark Madness, and you tried to poke it with a Sharpie. Sure, there was that frantic moment when you realized you’d just marked all over a thousand dollar piece of furniture, when all other concerns in this world fell promptly from your head and you went in feverish search of some Windex or something… but then you noticed that this one mark was the latest of about half a dozen, so you gave up and had some nachos instead.
But what is it that makes marker fighting such a noble sport? What sets this above it baser, lowbrow cousins like arm wrestling or paintballing?
THE DANGER IS REAL
A marker doesn’t hurt—or at least, not until you really get going—but it leaves a mark, and sometimes a horribly disfigured face, hand, arm, or shirt sleeve will do more damage than a sore nipple ever could. If you use the right kind of marker, you can all but guarantee your opponent will be a walking testament to your victory for days to come. A real-life human trophy for your collection!
 |
| That will buff right out. |
It’s different than paintball, too, for two reasons: one, paintball “paint” isn’t meant to stain like a good felt-tip marker will (unless someone injects permanent ink into those casings, which, let’s face it, would just be unsporting); and two…
YOU'RE NOT DRESSED FOR IT
When you go paintballing, you go paintballing. Even if your carefully arranged ensemble amounts to no more than a sweatshirt and some awesome camo pants you snagged at the Army Surplus store (awesome), odds are good that you’re not wearing your favorite khakis on the paintball field.
A marker fight, though, can break out anywhere, anytime. In fact, boredom of the kind that breeds in warm, quiet office environments is the biggest cause of spontaneous marker fights. And the same environment that created the boredom is the one where you’re least likely to be wearing those awesome camo pants.
When a marker fight erupts, the best you can do is roll up your sleeves. It won’t help. And you probably won’t even have the time to do that much, because…
THE WEAPONS ARE DISCREET
Walk around your office with a loaded paintball gun and you’re probably going to draw some attention. Walk around with a breast pocket full of writing implements and you’re a go-getter. But you’re also a marker ninja, hidden in plain sight, ready to strike at any time without warning.
 |
| Hadou-pen! |
A marker ninja is undeterred by crowded water coolers, busy hallways, or conference rooms full of witnesses. A simple flick of the wrist, a well-targeted stretch, an unassuming lean-in… any of these everyday gestures can mean instant marker death to the unwary victim.
And a cold war marker fight can escalate very quickly in a boredom-infested workplace. Two marker ninjas may be engaged in a heated battle in your own office right now, and the only evidence will be a few wayward lines of ink on a hand or forearm. That is until…
THINGS CAN GET OUT OF HAND QUICKLY
The truly epic marker fights—the ones you remember as a veteran—aren’t conducted in subtle secrecy. They start that way, but often they end up with two or three combatants engaged in an outright marker melee. Shirts are stained and probably torn, hands are bleeding from overeager swipes or lunges, breathing is ragged and… grunty.
 |
| Like this, but EVEN CUTER. |
But that’s exactly what we want out of every marker fight. We want action. Let’s face it: in this world the average office grunt doesn’t see a lot of open combat. Even if you do something rash, like go to a football game in the visiting team’s colors, or walk into an English pub without at least a passing familiarity with the rules of cricket, you’re still more likely to wind up getting your ass kicked or thrown in jail than you are finding a worthy opponent who, like you, really just wanted to mix it up for a few minutes with some relatively harmless (and childish) violence.
So the next time you find yourself staring blankly at a computer screen looking at pictures of cats, get up, grab a highlighter, and go find yourself a victim. Just be sure to roll up your sleeves first.
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